A Guide for Parents
Anger is a natural emotion, one that every human being experiences from time to time. However, when children experience anger, it can be challenging for both them and their caregivers. As parents, it’s important to understand the root causes of anger, recognise the signs, and know how to respond in a way that helps children learn to manage their emotions effectively.
What Typically Causes Anger in Children?
Understanding the causes of a child’s anger is essential for responding appropriately. Children, particularly younger ones, often lack the skills to express complex emotions, which can lead to frustration and outbursts. Here are some common triggers for anger in children:
- Frustration and Overwhelm: Children may experience anger when they cannot meet their own expectations or when things do not go as planned. Tasks such as schoolwork, playtime conflicts, or learning new skills can cause frustration.
- Unmet Needs: Basic necessities such as food, rest, or comfort can sometimes lead to irritability. When a child is hungry, tired, or unwell, their ability to regulate emotions may be compromised, increasing the likelihood of anger.
- Feeling Misunderstood or Invalidated: When children’s feelings are ignored or dismissed, they may feel angry as a result. This is especially common when children are trying to express themselves but aren’t provided the space to do so.
- Lack of Control: Children thrive on structure and routines; however, when they sense a lack of control over their environment- such as being told to stop doing something they enjoy- they may react with anger.
- Difficult Transitions or Changes: Adjustments in routines, family dynamics, or significant life events (such as relocating, beginning at a new school, or facing parental conflict) can result in feelings of insecurity, which often express themselves as anger.
- Social Frustrations: Conflicts with peers, sibling rivalry, and feelings of rejection can fuel anger in children. Social issues are particularly challenging for children who are still developing their emotional vocabulary and social skills.
Recognising the Signs of Anger in Children
While anger may appear to be a straightforward emotion, its signs are not always clear, particularly in younger children who might lack the language skills to express themselves directly. As a parent, it’s beneficial to observe both verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate your child might be feeling angry. Some common signs include:
- Physical cues: Clenched fists, tense body posture, red face, or rapid breathing.
- Verbal cues: Yelling, shouting, swearing, or saying things like “I hate this” or “It’s not fair.”
- Behavioural cues: Aggressive actions like hitting, throwing objects, or slamming doors.
- Withdrawing: Some children may become quiet or retreat into themselves when feeling angry. This can often be mistaken for sadness or frustration but is also an emotional reaction to anger.
- Tantrums or meltdowns: For younger children, these outbursts are common signs of frustration and an inability to cope with overwhelming emotions.
How to Help Children Manage Anger Effectively: The Tuning Into Kids Approach
The Tuning Into Kids (TIK) program emphasizes the importance of emotional coaching and regulation. Developed by Dr. Sophie Havighurst and her colleagues, this program assists parents in understanding their children’s emotions and guiding them toward healthy expression and coping strategies. Below are some evidence-based strategies from the TIK program to help children manage their anger:
- Acknowledge and Validate Feelings
Children need to know that their feelings are acknowledged and understood. Validating their anger without judgment can make a significant difference. For instance, instead of saying, “Don’t be angry,” try: “I can see you’re really upset right now. It’s okay to feel angry.” This validates their emotions and teaches them that experiencing strong feelings is normal. When children feel understood, they are more likely to calm down and effectively navigate their emotions.
- Model Calmness and Self-Regulation
Children learn by example, so it’s essential for parents to model how to regulate emotions in a healthy way. When you feel angry or frustrated, show how you take deep breaths or step away to cool down. Share your strategies with your child: “I’m feeling upset right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths to help me feel better.” This provides them with a concrete example of how to manage their emotions.
- Teach Emotional Vocabulary
The TIK program emphasises the importance of teaching children about various emotions and how to label them effectively. Encourage your child to identify their feelings not just as “angry,” but also as “frustrated,” “disappointed,” “annoyed,” or “upset.” The more words they have to describe their emotions, the easier it will be for them to understand and express what’s happening inside.
- Encourage Problem-Solving
Instead of solving the problem for them, engage your child in a discussion about what they can do to feel better. Ask guiding questions such as: “What can we do when you feel angry?” or “What would help you feel calm right now?” Encouraging them to think of solutions empowers them to manage their anger independently in the future.
- Provide Calm, Safe Space
When a child is angry, sometimes the best thing you can do is give them some space. Let them know that it’s okay to take a break and cool down. For example, you might say, “I think you need some time to calm down. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” This respects their need for space and also helps prevent the escalation of their anger.
- Practice Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques
Teaching children how to calm their bodies can significantly reduce the intensity of their anger. Simple techniques, such as deep breathing (inhaling slowly for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for four), can assist children in self-regulating. Over time, they will learn to apply these techniques to manage anger before it escalates.
- Offer Positive Reinforcement
Praise your child when they manage their anger appropriately. This reinforcement helps them understand that handling emotions in healthy ways leads to positive outcomes. “I noticed how you took deep breaths when you felt angry. That was a great way to calm down!” Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue using emotional regulation strategies.
Conclusion
Anger in children is a normal part of development, but it can be challenging for parents to manage. By tuning into your child’s emotions and responding with empathy and effective strategies, you can help them navigate their anger in constructive ways. The Tuning Into Kids program equips parents with valuable tools to understand and guide their children through difficult emotions. With patience, understanding, and practice, children can learn to recognise their anger, express it appropriately, and develop healthier coping skills for the future.
By Psychologist Alana Watson
To learn more about the Tuning Into Kids program, or to discuss your child’s emotional regulation with one of our Psychologists, contact us at [email protected]